Grand Canyon, AZ – So, here it is. I’ve come to the most well-known geological feature in the United States and I’m looking over the edge. There’s a river down there at the bottom. There’s some very high canyon walls. It’s most impressive. But, you know what? I’ve got a problem with it. All the stupid families.

I’m visiting one of the things in nature which holds the most impact for visitors, and there’s a bunch of snot-nosed, whiny little brats running around. How the hell am I supposed to enjoy this grand, natural beauty with these rug rats everywhere?

Earlier in the day I paid for a mule ride tour and hike of the canyon. Things were okay for about the first ten minutes, but then this noise kept bothering me. Finally I looked around for it and it turns out a kid two mules behind was playing some handheld game. That was the noise. Okay, I can deal. I’ve been a bored kid before. But then we get to the bottom and these two elementary school kids start whining. They’re tired. They have to pee. It’s no fun for them. One of them kicked their mule, which was great because the thing totally kicked him back. That kid got knocked right into the Colorado River. It was hilarious. So hilarious it made up for all his crying.

Then I took a whitewater rafting trip down the river. This was so awesome, I couldn’t believe it. Yeah, no nachos, but it was really exciting and the guide was so cute. Of course one of those stupid kids had to ruin all the fun. We stopped near some of these awesome Navajo adobe ruins and camped out in front of them. While me and the guide are having some adult fun in one of the upper storeys of the Navajo city, this little bastard starts up crying about his lost cards. They were from some cartoon show and he wouldn’t shut up. So of course Jeb, the guide, had to go down and help out. And I didn’t get any action!

They couldn’t find his cards, so the kid had a huge tantrum. He’s whining into the night, throwing smores at his parents. Then, all of sudden, he runs off towards the adobe structures. We didn’t pay him any mind, but ten minutes later we hear some crackling. As we look over, we notice that stupid kid kicking the city and beating it with a huge branch. That whole building came down.

Well, about ten miles down the river the next day, I got him back. My raft came up right next to his, and I sent it tipping over with my oar. They couldn’t find that little pissant for two hours. He got stuck between to boulders in the river about a mile downstream. It was awesome. Made up for the whole trip.

So, yeah, I would recommend the Grand Canyon. It’s beautiful. Just go in the winter when there aren’t any families around and you won’t have to deal with all the crap that I did.