This Month in History:
2002 AD: Grocery cashier Irene Baras is first introduced to Axes & Alleys editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen.
1976 AD: Jimmy Carter steals the election in Ohio, Texas, and Hawaii through a vast conspiracy reaching from local precinct captains all the way up to secretaries of state. In 31 years no one has yet revealed their involvement.
1948 AD: Truman’s Jr. Rangers disbands after both members lose interest.
1945 AD: Private Yoshita laments that KP Duty presents him with no dignified way to bloom as a flower in death.
1893 AD: Junebug Johnson becomes the first person to successfully play The Blues.
1882 AD: John Jacob Astor IV throws his old, golden diamond encrusted toothbrush into a filthy crystal trashcan.
1763 AD: Some lost Englishmen, still believing the French and Indian War to be on-going, throw tomatoes at a group of French fur traders.
1621 AD: Father Dominguez rechecks the entire Bible before deciding that Romans 8:24 probably condones Indian slaughter, you know, if you really, really read it.
1561 AD: After viewing a nude woman sunbathing on the roof of a distant villa, Galileo Galilei invents the telescope.
905 AD: A comet passes near the Earth. They share some light conversation, a spot of tea, and not a little bit of naughtiness.
789 AD: Charlemagne invents the toaster.
713 AD: A Connecticut Yankee stops in Tariq ibn Ziyad’s court.
666 AD: Contrary to European interpretations of Hebrew numerology, very little evil happens throughout the entire year, including this month.
458 AD: For the 1500th year in a row, Chunglit’s tribe decides to hang around above the arctic circle rather than head south where it’s warm. Chunglit is, understandably, nonplussed.
212 AD: A curious Polynesian is the first person to put a skirt on a pig. The entire village has a good laugh before being destroyed by a lava flow.
109 AD: Arcden of Nicomedia writes the fortunately forgotten Gospel of the Lewd Acts of Kristos.
90 AD: Polius rolls a pair of fours and wins ten drachmas. As he collects the money, he looks up toward the sound of a distant rumble. Then he rolls a two and a six.
2 BC: Chief Klontik of the Chochogee tribe near the Great Lakes discovers that he very much enjoys hitting small children over the head with a branch.
230 BC: Yup, you guessed it. Those damn Parthians caused some more trouble.
540 BC: Antanexos eats some bread.
777 BC: Zhou Ping Wang moves his capital to Chengzhou because of its wonderful noodle shops.
1503 BC: Moses convinces G-d that ten is a much rounder number and so G-d agrees to drop the commandment about killing all the Indians.
2474 BC: A Golden Age begins in Ur as 3% fewer people die from dysentery.
3,002 BC: Chin Cho, following a group of pilgrims up the sacred Hua Shan mountain noodling on his flute, invents elevator music nearly 5,000 years before the elevator.
12,505 BC: Gern erg ma Flescht da Husignam Flender nu Mahthat Kimderchanniftpt spends the afternoon flecking a rock for his friend’s new spear.
12,506 BC: Gern erg ma Flescht da Husignam Flender nu Mahthat Kimderchanniftpt’s friend loses his favorite spear while traversing a particularly difficult crevice.
12,507 BC: While attending the memorial for his father Flender the Maker of Excellent Spear Heads, Gern, the first son, places a spear head in his father’s hands and weeps. Luckily his friend is there to comfort him.
80, 623 BC: After donning a panther skin, Kerga invents the little black dress.