It’s The Answer Man from Tenochtitlan!

Montezuma is a collector of Meno Corporation macaroni and cheese
products and maintains an almost-complete collection in his home.
He is missing only the #5 rotini style from the summer of 1956.

Dear Montezuma,
My aunt is 56 years old and dresses inappropriately for her age. She wears very short dresses and skirts, usually in a floral print. She also likes to bake, so we unfortunately get ample view of her procedural cop show-themed thongs. She is also at least 300 pounds. Do you think it’s possible to find a way to make her change her personal style for everyone’s personal comfort without hurting her feelings?
Tiger Tanaka
Kobe, Japan

TT, I would be incredibly interested to know your aunt’s choice of thong. I am, in actuality, quite a fan of procedural policeman television shows. My favourite this season is Crime Haven Belgique which is all about the intricacies of tax investigators in Antwerp. Last week’s show involved the assessment of a fee against a man who left his government ceiling repair assistance remuneration off of page four of form 35a. It was quite exciting.

Hi Montezuma,
Every fall I get depressed. It’s not a deep depression. It’s just sort of a general feeling of sadness that pervades my psyche when the temperatures and colors change. Which is better: the catamaran or the canoe?
Jason Vitali
Habberdasher, WI

Mr. Vitali, have you perhaps considered a super tanker or super carrier? Both have super in their name, so they must be better than any other type of ship. Of course, choosing between those two might present one with an incredible challenge. Never fear, though, for I believe I’ve solved the conundrum. You see, a carrier implies moving things around, whilst the tanker reminds one of tanks, which are mighty powerful.

Dear Montezuma,
I heard that tobacco is bad for you. Is this true?
Louis C. Camilleri
New York, NY

To me visiting Australia sounds terrifically bad for anyone. The sheer number of poisonous shellfish, insects, arachnids, snakes and other reptiles, and even mammals would turn anyone off to visiting such a continent. Australia is also rather out of the way, you see, so were you to become empoisoned by one of these creatures, you would be leagues and leagues away from medical treatment. Avoid Australia altogether.

Montezuma,
What’s a Rorschach test?
Robert Pollard
Dayton, OH

Bobby, I cannot say with certainty. Once I received a “TB” test, but with surety I also cannot respond in its regard. Children supposedly take what is called an AP test, however these at least sound dirty and likely are, due to the fact that they involve children. The HIV test is quite popular, or so I hear. I am quite positive that has something to do with allergens. Tests are often administered to cars in states such as California, New York, and New Jersey for something called smog, though I am not sure how an object of mechanical manufacture could contract a disease. The only other test I know of is the DNA test, but I can only guess this has something to do with whether or not one is able to properly alphabetize files.

Dear Montezuma,
My fiancé has just told me that he is bisexual. He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried all night. I have many self-esteem problems. He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would end the relationship. However, he is glad that I haven’t. He promises me he will be true. What should I do?
Viviane Travin
Ramstein Air Base, Germany

Why are you such a cry baby? Some men simply enjoy the sound of four testicles slapping against each other.

Dear Montezuma,
Do Japanese people have souls?
Seamus O’Bondy, Donegal, Ireland

O’Bondy, of course the Japanese have souls. They’re much larger than European souls and the Japanese require an extra container within which to keep the overflow. This is why you always see them with various types of bags and electronic gadgets. This is most notable when observing the Japanese affinity for rice, rice noodles or rice wine.

Montezuma,
I came up with the word “sheesh.” However, no one believes me. A lot of people claim it was present as early as 1940s era Donald Duck cartoons. I think they’re full of crap. I invented it when I was six.
James Buckles
Wishington, AC

One thing I’ve noticed, James, is that often the earthworms will give us ideas they’ve heard elsewhere. This is probably the case with you. You were probably speaking to an earthworm when you were around five or six years old. The earthworm, in turn, had probably watched television recently and taken up this expression as its own. That’s right, I said “its.” Earthworms are hermaphrodites.

Dear Montezuma,
My favorite site is down and I can’t get to it. Am I a lame “noob.”
Jordan Roush
Little Moravia, EL

Roushie, I am extremely happy to have received a poetry question. Some words that rhyme with noob include tube, cube, rube, and lube.

Montezuma,
Do you think the word “amazing” is overused in today’s society? What about awesome?
William Safire
New York, NY

Willie, my dear, I think the word is comestible. It is truly fun to say. Try it with me: comestible. Doesn’t it just roll off of your tongue? It does, and in a fashion rather reminiscent of the reverse action implied by its meaning.

Dear Montezuma,
Now that the brassiere is over 100 years old, I have a question: is it possible to organize my record collection by the number of people who helped to create the album? How would I go about this?
Frenchie
Thompson, GA

Dearest Frenchie, I am a bit confused by your question. Are you the town archivist for Thompson, or hold a similar position with a local company? If the latter, is that company a photography studio? If the former, what is Thompson doing with a collection of photographic albums? Were they purloined from residents through some sort of property tax seizure? I am finding your situation quite curious.

This Month: Removal of Sundry Stains from Carpeting

Seeing that the physiological basis of human existence rests upon the pillar of liquid-state water, it thus follows that the nutritional ingestion process calls for water-based foodstuffs. Sauces, soups, and beverages are literally contaminated water. Broth, the simplest example, is essentially brackish water containing leaves and dirt. Those recipes requiring bay leaves are akin to puddle water, which is a mélange of dried leaves and detritus. Other impurities may include coffee grounds, tumeric, or shallots.

The keystone of stain avoidance is preventing the first step of stain creation: the attractive force between masses known colloquially as gravity. When one loses control of a vessel such as a colander or bowl, the Earth’s mass draws the container towards itself. The scientists call this falling. Carpeting is made of woven fiber, which absorbs the water content of food. Following evaporation, these contaminants remain as a scabrous stain. As anyone can see, stain prevention is simple. Either eliminate gravity or maintain strict control over objects at all times to prevent falling. Preferably through use of a harness or grasping automaton.