Washington D.C.- Beltway insiders are scrambling for information in the wake of President Dick Armstrong’s announcement of Executive Order 314. In a speech before a join session of Congress last Tuesday, the President declared:
“There are a myriad of dangers and incontinences still threatening our great nation. In order to make things better, I am hereby implementing Executive Order 314, which will greatly help us rectify this situation we face and steer us to a more positive outcome in regards to these things I’ve already mentioned.”
When asked about the particulars of the order, Whitehouse Press Secretary Delores Spigot stated only that “…details are irrelevant. You’re not looking at the big picture. C’mon, people.”
While many have speculated on the precise nature of the Executive Order, the text of which has yet to be declassified, a recently leaked, ominous video shows Secret Service personnel loading hundreds of croquet sets into unmarked vans. Some, such as web sleuth Mac Garvey of the www.macattac.com site, have claimed EO314 may be related to reports of bright orange A-10 Warthogs seen circling Omaha and Sheboygan. Other conspiratorial bloggers have claimed to have seen mustachioed men in monks’ robes purchasing large quantities of beach balls and blackberry passion colored lipstick at BestMart locations from Maine to Walla Walla.
Bamco spokesman Chet Hartely said, in a recent press conference “Bamco Inc., the world’s largest manufacturer of inflatable summer products has stepped up production of everyone’s favorite beach-time accessory, but we are still having trouble meeting demand due to the recent high volume purchases made by the mysterious mustachioed monk-men.”
When questioned about the strange occurrences and their possible connection to Executive Order 314, Armstrong told the assembled press corps members:
“We are helping to make America better. That is all you need to know, isn’t it? Trust me, the Order has nothing to do with any of that, especially not the new twelve-sided purple stop signs.”