Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines

Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.

Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws

Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.

Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Regards,
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman

Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man

Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.