WANTED
16th Dalai Lama. Must be below the age of 4, Tibetan of exiled parents and imbued with the soul of the original Dalai Lama at the same time as the 14th and 15th Dalai Lamas. Must no be related to the Panchen Lama, the Nustro Lama or the Origishi Lama. No joke Alpaca submissions please. $50 U.S. or best offer. Contact His Holiness, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama; Lhasa.

FOR SALE
Full set of 27 dominoes. 30 pesos Call Lee at 998-2122

FOUND
Social Security Card. Made of metal with name Kermit James on front. Will withhold SSN for now. Call Ernie 405-205-9541

FOR RENT
One bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Must be returned full and unopened. Best offer. Write to Jules McKenzington 24 Boynton Way Northbridge, MV

FOR RENT
The contents of my briefcase. 65 cents a day plus all applicable local, state and federal taxes and tariffs. 1 Proctor Business District, Cubicle 1.

WANTED
One portly woman. No questions asked. Must be portly or no deal. Send photo, resume and stats to Clifford Brownlee c/o Menizen Sanitarium.

FOR SALE
One song. Available for a song. No posers, please. Box 6492

FOR SALE
Secret of fire. Contact Prof. M. Theus through prayer.

LOST
Four pet marmosets. Male and female. Call Sven, Hladenkog, Norway.

WANTED
One half monkey. Must be the right half and must be dyed blue. Will pay $45.21. Call Ed, ask for Bill’s number, he’ll give it to you.

FOR SALE
376 Heads of cattle. Without bodies. Free can of corn included. Write to Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

ANNOUNCEMENT
The Homosexual Musher’s Society of West Dakota is holding its annual convention in Hermule, Kalisotta this year. Get ready for five days of fun in the sun, dancing, the world’s most erotic marzipan contest and much more. Must be a member to participate. For more information visit www.wdma.org.

LOST
One department store mannequin lamp. No shade. Please report to Katharinetowne Police Department.

WANTED
Part-time arch-fiend to complement my costumed vigilante alter-ego on weekends. Possible party gigs a plus if good work done. Must be evil genius with funds to match. Call Artie “the Moleman” Moelman 345-6757

LOST
16 ounces of Serious Putty. Purchased with last of rent money for my only son’s birthday. Why God, oh why?

FOR SALE
Brand new indulgences. Only the best of this season’s indulgences are available at Papal Warehouse and Spa. Route 15 by the Neptune Society Cremation Lodge

FREE GIVEAWAY
25 Gideon Bibles. New and unused. Still with Gideon Society bookmark! Sharpe Creek Motel 35 Kentonville Way Oak’s Neck, AG 49268

FOR LEASE
Horseless carriage. New 7 horsepower, two cylinder, internal-combustion engine included. Call Cyrus Pokorny 342-1717

WANTED
Brand-new, world-changing, synergistic technology for license. Must be able to claim credit for technological innovation for a duration of 15 years. This will save my marriage. Price negotiable. email crumbley@vorgotronsubkinematicscybercorp.com

FOR SALE
Used breast implants. No longer needed by previous owners. Cornish County Morgue Bliven, TR 66605

ANNOUNCEMENT
Sliers and Sliers Law Firm opening offices in area. Specializing in post-mortuary recovery issues, lapsed intellectual property rights and poultry law. An experienced law firm is your best ally in court. Make sure that ally is us, Sliers and Sliers, your poultry law specialists!

WANTED
Ohio. Will pay any price. Particulars negotiable. Contact French Embassy (Also seeking Michigan and Illinois (would also like any land sold as Louisiana Purchase (also portions of Mexico (perhaps wayward portions of New France)))).

FOR RENT
One ton of wood pulp to be returned as finished paper product. Free keychain to first customer. Morland Paper Company Mooseknot, WV 23456

FOR SALE
One half a monkey. Left half. Has been dyed orange. Call Thespis
718-682-0093, ext.72###2.

FOR SALE
Meaning of life. I can only afford a two line