Dear Poker Pete,
Look, mate, I’ve been trying to reach you for three weeks ever since the last game. You owe me your watch, hiking boots and all of your house except for the garage and deck. It’s time for you to pay up. I’ve telephoned, come by your place, been down to the race track and even sent a courier to your office with a notarized letter asking that you pay up. Seriously, mate, I’m bloody well looking forward to hanging ‘round my new den.
Miser Bob
Leftwich, UK
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I know you’ve received a ton of mail about this, but I just wanted to drop you a line about your discussion of breasts a couple of months back (Volume 456-BR7, Issue 17). My girlfriend had always complained to me about how I felt about her breasts. She was under the impression that I didn’t like them, even though I’ve paid them a lot of attention. I’m not sure what her hang up was, but I showed her that article just to prove that I loved them. She also enjoyed the pecs at the end of the article. Thank you for saving my relationship. Thank you for saving my life!
Elmer Holmes Bobst
New York, NY
Yo A&A,
That Katie Stalin is really amazingly hot. I wanna roll around in some nacho sauce with her, if you catch my meaning. If you don’t, what I mean is that she has amazing analytical skills when it comes to sociology.
Peace out,
Trent McNally
Chicago, IL
Dear Axes & Alleys,
It has been my experience that the youth of today are not very good. Why, just the other day I spotted a group of youths strolling down the street and offered them a stern lecture on the importance of bread. Did they listen intently, asking questions at the appropriate moments so that their lives could be enriched by the experience of their elder? No. Instead they met my heartfelt talk about bread with jeers and mockery. This is indeed a sad state of affairs. Many people have spoken of the failure of the youth, but no one has specifically stated that the youth have failed to appreciated bread.
Did you know that you can visit the ruins of Pompeii, beneath the towering cone of Vesuvius, and see old bread that has been carefully preserved by the action of lava? You can indeed. Do you think that the youth have any interest in seeing thousand year old loaves of bread? I think not. Perhaps the problem lies not with the youth of America but rather with their school system.
Every child in high school must take four years of math, four years of English and three years of history and science. But how many years do they take to study bread? That’s right: zero years. While bread may be involved in their lunches, children do not learn at lunch. There’s not a single class devoted to studying all the intricate wonders of bread. The graduation exams each student takes before graduating do not test their knowledge of bread and millions of American students go off to college without being adequately prepared in the study of bread.
Mind you, there could be not a single sandwich without bread. In a world without bread we would have no toast to accompany our coffee in the morning and we would have garlic bread with our spaghetti. This is not a world that I ever want to live in. No, sir. Children have been taught that they can take bread for granted and this is a crime. They can’t even tell sourdough from a tortilla! A tortilla is only sort of bread.
Perhaps one day children will be taught to know bread, not just to eat it. Without bread, society would collapse into sandwichless anarchy. Who will speak for bread? I will as long as I have breath in my body and a tongue in my mouth. I will shout it from the mountaintops; bread is good.
Sincerely,
Former Attorney General Janet Reno
Miami, Florida