That Love Song of R. Alfred Prufrock

H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is the world’s first subaquatic poet, having written over eighty three percent of all his works while playing checkers at the bottom of the Java Sea.

Eurasia is quite immense
It goes from Lisbon to Beijing
With mountains, deserts, fjords and steppes
It is the greatest land mass thing

Africa sitting right below
Home of Sahara and Nile
Elephants, giraffes and lions
Live on this land in much style

North America is quite nice
For it has the Great Plains and Lakes
Panama to Baffin Isle
Sweetest area for Christ sakes

To South America we come
With The Enigma, Nazca lines
And its quite mighty Amazon
Which is a jungle full of vines

Australia, once home to crooks
Features marsupials, all types
Ayer’s Rock, Outback and wombats
And Ned Kelly the guttersnipe

Last Antarctica the frigid
Where amok all the penguins run
Here you’ll find McMurdo Station
And that there Weddell Sea’s quite fun

Crushing Your Enemies

by Stemdrin Moltopney
Exarch of the Moltopney Groceries chain and famous candy striper.

The key to crushing your enemies is to strike them swiftly where it hurts most, where it will cause the most agony, the most confusion and the most sweet, sweet revenge. Follow these steps and YOU WILL WIN!

Saint Michael and the Devil

Thirty Steps to Victory!

  1. place an ice cube on a pillow next to the ear of a sleeping enemy
  2. sign up your nemesis for home-improvement junk mail
  3. disable the 3 button on your arch-fiend’s calculator
  4. purchase Girl Scout® cookies in their name
  5. change the timer on their automated lawn sprinkling system
  6. take page 5 out of their daily-delivered newspaper
  7. release aphid swarms in their pumpkin patch
  8. dull the bastard’s steak knives
  9. send them flowers with a note containing coarse language
  10. turn up the furnace boiler by two degrees
  11. replace a favourite record with an exact duplicate missing one song
  12. inject hot sauce into their milk containers with a syringe
  13. remove vanadium from all periodic table references they use
  14. organize a party and don’t invite them
  15. exchange their ice cubes for Hammond’s H2Woah!
  16. leave a stack of restaurant flyers under their door
  17. cut all of their rubber bands in half
  18. hire a clown to follow them honking a horn
  19. put campaign stickers on their car in a non-election year
  20. disable all cable reception
  21. hold a bake sale opposing them
  22. follow them in a taxi
  23. send them a letter inviting them to the United Nations
  24. set fire to the logs in their fireplace
  25. put holes in their car tarpaulin
  26. report them to the Better Business Bureau
  27. The Last Judgement

Greens: The Newest Trend

The March of Progress December 2005

Emily Lancing

It’s Not Easy Being Green: Lovely young trendnik Emily Lancing shows off her brand new photosynthesizing skin.

From Maine to California there’s a new trend that’s growing more popular with the kids. More and more teenagers and twenty-somethings are getting chloroplasts implanted in their epidermal cells.

Chloroplasts, the organelle which enable photosynthesis in autotrophic organisms, allow humans to go months without eating, provided they inhale plenty of carbon dioxide (CO2) and ingest copious quantities of water (H20).

“Oh yeah, it’s great, I don’t even have to eat. My cells just make their own food. It’s deck, dude, totally deck,” said a man to which we spoke. “Everyone’s green. Green’s the way, dude.”

While green may be moving toward increased popularity in urban centers, some scientists are skeptical of the long term benefits of chloroplast implantation.

“We don’t yet know the long term effects of chloroplast implantation,” stated Dr. Julia Killian of the hospital.

Either way, more and more people are enjoying engaging in photosynthesis. “It’s cool,” said Chance, one young trendnik. “I can totally form glucose. I’m not shackled by the cellular respiration chains anymore. Adenosine triphosphate is for losers. Glucose is the new future, man.”