Advice for Someone

Montezuma is former Emperor of the Aztecs. He is not mentioned in the Book of Thessalonians.

Dear Montezuma,

I seem to be having a lot of trouble with my neighbors. Every time I go about on my daily errands, picking up the mail, taking rivets out of bridges, doing the grocery shopping, etc., my neighbors spray me with their water hoses. This happens even when they’re not watering their lawns or flowers. They don’t appear to do it in anger. Most of the time it seems calmly rational, if that is to be believed. Getting wet doesn’t really bother me so much, though I have to launder my clothing quite often (which of course leads to more spraying). Can you help me out here?

Melvin Tomás
Eldritch, MD

Melvin,

With curiosity I began your letter and felt an almost stereotypical serendipity approaching my humble figure. The first clue presenting itself was the concrete fact that you have neighbors. This narrows down the causes of your malady quite a bit. Secondly, your residence in a region containing riveted bridges engendered a certain certitude within my sparkling neurons. However, I couldn’t quite be sure yet. The calm, almost nonchalant, manner in which your fellow townspeople exchange aqueous streams with your clothing nigh on clinched it. Then I nervously scanned over the closing lines of your letter and exclaimed out loud with glee, for the answer was there to be had. As you are no doubt aware, Eldritch, Maryland was settled by a certain subset of people from Warwickshire in England who in turn originated in Spain. They ended up in Warwickshire as a result of the disastrous calamity that was the Spanish Armada of 1488. These people were from a highland region of Spain near the Pyrenees, where they resided next to a Basque settlement. The two villages invigorated one another each year through the trade of sons and daughters in the spectacular Dornaquo Festival, where couples were judged appropriate for one another by the calm and collected manner in which they decanted buckets of icy water upon their future mates. Such traditions don’t die easily and the Dornaquo Festival took itself with the Armada survivors to Warwickshire wherein it became known as the Door Knack Festival. Linguists, in their inherent stupidity, almost never connect the two, but we know that I am a cut above. The travelers from Warwickshire brought the Door Knack Festival, in some form, with them wherever they went. This included Eldritch, Maryland. I would suggest a good macintosh and pair of galoshes.

Hey! Montezuma!

I’ve been wanting to ask you about what kind of dress you wear. I can’t really get a good look at you in that picture they have of you up in the ‘zine, but that looks like a dress you got on. Being the cool guy at my high school, I know I should be wearing one of them dresses you got on. You’re pretty damn cool and people think you’re one of them tastemakers. Like, everyone does what you do.

Yours drooly (ha ha),
Sammy Lumpkin
Aiken, SC

Mr. Lumpkin,

Such a scampy closing to a letter of query truly draws the attention of my mail room staff. Someone ran into my office just a few minutes ago with this communiqué. Apart from the puzzlement of who that person was crossing my mind, I am simply tickled that you chose to ask me about my fashion. Most persons believe it to be a simple matter of careful waxing for my pencil thin mustache. Others find that a sprig of herbs and my regal sash enliven my ocular cavities. However, you dearest Sammy, quite clearly have what it takes to deliver my correspondence. My dress was designed by and provided courtesy of Ann Warbomber Couture. You might destructively withdraw coinage from your porcine banking container to get one, but you may also become a tastemaker in your “hood.”

Dear Montezuma,

I am a piece of paper taped to the wall. I’m pretty bored. No one has written on me in a few weeks and I’m kind of getting tired of watching the same television shows day in and out. They put me up near the television, but I’m angled in such a way that I can’t get a very good look at what’s going on. Sometimes they play music, but I’m also near the stereo so I get shaken a lot. As you can see, I’m both bored and uncomfortable. When I signed up to be a piece of paper, this is not what I had in mind. I’d give my binder holes if you could show me a way out of my predicament.

paper
Montauk, NY

paper,

One of the major flaws in the design of pieces of paper is that their designers never bothered to include any sort of articulated armature. It appears as if you, at this very moment, are in a quite similar situation to ancient Tantalus. He, too, lacked arms and was taped to a wall, hence our modern term derived from his name, “tantalus.” paper, I’m deeply saddened that you are tantalus on the wall. Hope is sadly not a visitor which will be presenting itself in your doorway at any near point in time. Perhaps you should attempt to do some mental exercises, such as doing the Fibonacci Series as high as you can and then beginning anew in an attempt to get just one step more. Also, you could pretend that you had a hang nail and imagine various ways in which you could get rid of it. One final idea is to imagine that you are the label on a bottle of peroxide.

Montezuma,

What’s the best kind of tread for a tire?

Sandra Elsworth
N. Wrensville, AD

Sandra,

Most of the time I try not to answer automotive questions. This is clearly the bailiwick of car professionals on National Public Radio. You should ask them.

Dear Montezuma,

Which is better: December 15 or July 22?

Benedict XVI
Vatican City

Dear Benny,

July 22 is the 203rd day of the year while December 15 is the 349th day. July 22nd was the day in 1937 when the United States Senate voted down President Franklin Roosevelt’s court packing bill. December 15, 1976 was the day when Samoa became a member of the United Nations. Janos Bolyai, the famous Hungarian mathemagician was born on December 15 while John Dillinger was shot to death on July 22. Consualia was celebrated on December 15 in the Roman Empire. Ratcatcher’s Day is celebrated on July 22. I was always keen on February 7, myself.