Reviews

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A few of you have noticed our new reviews section. Axes & Alleys will add future and past reviews to this section as we see fit. When you run across one, in print or online, feel free to email us about it. We offer some vast rewards.

Recently Focus on the Family’s media review magazine for parents, Plugged In, reviewed Axes & Alleys. They don’t normally review print media as their focus is film, television and music, but they seem to have made an exception in our case.

We don’t think they like us. That’s okay, because the staff here was brought up mostly in the generation where self-esteem was important over everything else. So, while we can’t fight you in a dark alley or hit a baseball very well, we still feel good about it.

A Word on the Subject of Marriage

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by Scott Birdseye

maura

There has been a great deal of controversy recently concerning the institution of marriage. While some believe that homosexuals should be allowed to legally marry, others believe that marriage was created specifically for a man and a woman. Call me anti-PC, but I tend to fall into the latter category.

I do believe that marriage is sacred. There is something absolutely sacred about a man and woman joining together in holy matrimony. The union of two souls, as endorsed by God, is the foundation of family, community and nation.

For instance, I would like to get married one day. I would especially like to get married to Maura Tierney. For many reasons, I have fallen in love with her. When I finally got around to breaking up with my last girlfriend (you know all about my ill-fated romance with that irrepressible Fiona Apple, so I won’t bother going into it now) I couldn’t help but want to rekindle my infatuation with Maura Tierney.

Quite frankly I loved her as the wonderfully down-to-earth Lisa Miller on the situational comedy News Radio, and I swooned over her performance as Abby Lockhart in the critically acclaimed medical drama E.R. There is something indescribably amazing about Miss Maura Tierney. I love her, yes, I love her.

And that is why marriage is sacred. If the homosexuals are allowed to marry under law, then that means that my future marriage to the beautiful and effulgent Maura Tierney would be that less holy, that less amazing and that less sacred.

Believe what you will about marriage or homosexuality, but please do not take the joys of a sacred marriage away from me and Maura Tierney. Please, do not steal our happiness. Me and Maura Tierney deserve a happy future.

Scooter Memories Part III

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by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
jeremy rosen
Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is an author, ingenue,
rabble-rouser and roust-a-bout.

Scooter was asleep on a train. He was in that half somnambulant state, the one caused by any type of close-quarter travel. The largest portion of the previous evening had been spent nursing one beer bottle, one cigarette after another and attempting to trace chains of facts through his mind. This was not an exercise he participated in often, but thinking of the East somehow brought this conscious-subconscious game out into the open.
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How To Decorate for Mice

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While it is often easy for anthropomorphic mice to find a dwelling within the walls of a human house, there can be difficulty for these creatures in obtaining furnishings for their new home. Surprisingly, human artifacts of appropriate size make the best furnishings.

Need somewhere to rest after a long day of cheese-gathering activities? A lovely and comfortable bed can be easily made from a sardine or anchovy tin. Make sure the key and lid are still attached though, so you can simply roll the cover back over yourself when you retire. This should basically approximate a bed with covers. You may also wish to have a dresser or chest of draws in the bedroom area. Empty match boxes, when stacked, make an excellent dresser for all your storage needs.

The living room area can also be easily decorated in this fashion. Spools of thread make absolutely wonderful chairs. Postage stamps are a great substitute for hung pictures on the wall. They’re just the right size for mice.

As for the kitchen, don’t worry as you shan’t need a kitchen. The human kitchen will provide you with all the cheese you need. Although beware that there is probably also an anthropomorphic cat guarding the humans’ abode. Don’t worry though, such cats are easily outsmarted in many comical ways, assuring you a plentiful supply of cheese.

Good luck with your new home, little mice.