College: My Essay About College

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By Garnet “Collegebound” Bruell

brad

Hello. My name is Garnet Bruell and I am lots of fun! I like hugs and colors and things that make peeping noises! I am going to go to college with you! Yay! We will be best friends!

I think college is an amazing place where good things happen to people. Going to college is like winning a delicious prize, and you can eat the prize, and after you’re done eating the prize you have a degree in biochemistry and a job at the Dow Chemical Corporation! I like to eat.

College is also a place for thinking. It is also not the only place for thinking. Other places for thinking include my room, my high school, an airplane, a bus, and a boat! But I am not applying to those places. I am applying to you! Thinking is sometimes a very nice thing.

Other people go to college too, so I won’t be the only one there! I would be very sad if I was the only one at college. I might even cry a little. And pee. All over. Because no one would be there to tell me it was bad. Now I kind of hope I am the only one there! But oh well, I am hoping to meet all sorts of people!

I had a lot of fun in high school butthere were also some bad times, like the time I never did any essays for any classes, or the time my lunchbox burned down, or all the math that I ate, or when three of us were locked in an elevator shaft and we had to decide who we were going to eat to survive (It was Jenny!). I hope to continue this “trend of excellence” at college! Also there will be new experiences! I like experiences.

Once, I overcame a great hurdle and achieved my goals! That is something colleges like to hear about. Colleges are very hurdle-oriented. The hurdle I had to overcome was sixteen feet tall and entirely made of fire! My goal was three feet after it though. I didn’t even cheat! I did it. It was all me. I am not lying.

In conclusion, I will have a lot of fun at college. College will be great! I will not defecate in all of the refrigerators. I will also not defecate in the specified toilets. It will be a college surprise! Thank you!

Love,
Garnet Bruell

college graph

10 Ways to Get Free Ham

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Free Ham Abounds! Follow these ten tried and true methods and you’ll be munching down mounds of the pink meat in no time.

  1. Go to a restaurant of your choice and order a big, juicy ham steak. Have them fry it because fried ham steaks are the best. Then, when the bill comes just run like hell. Make sure you take time to digest first, otherwise you’ll get cramps.
  2. You know your friends? You can ask your friends to buy you some ham. Chances are that at least one of them will say yes eventually.
  3. Check the dumpsters and trash cans in your neighborhood. Maybe someone threw away some ham.
  4. Next time you’re at the Kroger, Bi-Lo or the C-Town, just go to the meat section and stuff some ham down your pants.
  5. If you’re a girl, you can accept a date from a guy and then order ham when he takes you out to dinner. He’ll pay for dinner and all you have to do is put out to get some free ham.
  6. Somehow have yourself named judge of the ham tasting competition at the county fair. You can taste all the best hams from farmers about the place and give the blue ribbon to the best one. Unlike wine tasting, you actually get to swallow the ham. Not too shabby.
  7. Using off-the-shelf Adobe© PhotoshopTM you can create a fake coupon for free ham. Redeem this at your local butcher shop, super market or other ham purveyor.
  8. Pray to God. Ask him, in His infinite mercy, to give you free ham. Warning: Do not pray to the Jewish or Muslim Gods, they hate ham. Only Jesus brings free ham to your dinner table. Go, Christ, go!
  9. Find someone who already has ham. Maybe they’re blind, crippled, elderly, or otherwise weak and incapacitated. You can easily beat them up and take their ham. Don’t be afraid to kick them while they’re down, especially if they’re in a wheel chair or have crutches.
  10. Visit a relative. When they ask what you’d like for dinner, tell them that you want ham. Then they’ll cook ham and you can eat it for free because relatives won’t charge you for dinner.

    11. Hey, save some of that free ham for me, okay!

    ham radio
    Love that Ham: HAM radio is a different sort of ham than we are talking about.

The March of Progress: February 2006

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Astronomers Announce Discovery of
10th-19th Planets!

new planets

Using a new system, which involved looking, astronomers have discovered 10 new planets in our Solar System. Ranging in size from 30 feet across to 120 light years across, the planets should find a happy home with our old favorites; Saturn and those other ones.

Different astronomers caution that we first must define what a “planet” is before classifying the new objects. Specifically they point to the “discovery” of the 19th planet, Andromeda, which had previously been classified as a galaxy. The same can also be said for planet Hubble, which until yesterday was generally considered to be a space telescope.

While these astronomical discoveries are creating great debate in the scientific community, the astrological community greeted the discoveries with glee. Sarah Tombaugh-Chagrin, horoscope writer for the Daily Seattle Bee Courier, has found that the new bodies make every one of her predictions for the last 15 years completely accurate, except for Taurus.

News of the announcement reached the Cistercian Order late in the day, prompting much debate amongst the order’s monks. It is known that Saint Benedict of Nursia was an avid amateur astronomer and such activity has been important to the Cistercians for years. Several monks in Applespiel, Elizabethia reportedly threw down their heavy photographic plates and proceeded outside to shake fists at the sky for several hours.