The normally staid and chaste U.S. Constitution has put on a slinky red dress and is out on the prowl with the recent passage of Amendments XXIX through CCVII. State legislatures, legal scholars and ordinary Americans are still trying to get a peek at The Constitution’s new panties. The nation’s collective pants are tightening at the prospect of this sexy new opportunity.

As unnecessary as g-string underwear, the most drastic of the New Amendments is CII, allowing the discontinuation in the Congressional cafeteria of Yankee Bean soup, a staple on the menu for decades. South Carolina’s congressional delegation, representing the largest provider of Yankee Beans to Congress were understandably dismayed at CII’s passage. Amendment CXIV, among the most sensible Amendments passed, protects the right of all Americans to assemble cyclotron-type particle accelerators in their basements, garages or state approved backyard tool sheds.

The “Hairmendments” (CXXIX through CCVII) only affect the procedural processes for official Presidential hair cuts and limit which styles are acceptable for the President, Cabinet Officials and their staffs. While the shag and bowl cut are right out, the bouffant, pompadour, buzz cut and reverse mullet are in. One much-criticized oversight of the Hairmendments is the ambiguous role of dreadlocks in the Cabinet. Because of this, Elizabethian voters have rejected the set outright.

One potential Amendment (what would be CCVIII) is still awaiting passage by Congress. There is little known about its prospects until Congress returns from Amalgamated Holiday #1 recess, but the feeling in Washington is that the Broccoflower Amendment should pass easily.

Military Island, Dry Michigan – With the passage of the “Vermont, It’s About Time Act,” the entire continent is on high alert. For the first time a U.S. aircraft carrier, the Horace B. Borden (CVN-93), is sailing the waters of the Great Lakes and Canadian troops are massed on Vermont’s northern border.

At the bargain-basement cost of $2 million and the state of Vermont, Sinonipponesia entered the war against the Bad Guys last month. While aware of the East’s desire to incorporate Canada into its empire and “teach it a thing or two about Kurasawa,” the Armstrong Administration waved away international concern. “The Sinonipponese haven’t shown aggression in over three years,” said Press Secretary Pimples Mackey.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) proposed a bill which would reward our new Coallies with New Hampshire if its involvement in the war proved successful. Mainish residents show 73% approval of their possible new status as an exclave.

John Lynch, New Hampshire’s goofiest-looking governor, said from Concord that his state “promised to behave” from now on. Citizens of New Hampshire were seen offering cookies and milk to neighbors in Massachusetts in an effort to prove they are no longer the nation’s crankiest citizens. People for a Non-Asian New Hampshire have run ads across the country with the tagline “New Hampshire: The Magical Rainbow State!”

Canada placed three strong divisions along its border with Vermont to guard against any assault from the 25th Sinonipponese Midori Yama Division currently stationed in Montpelier. Tensions in the Dominion are high, but Newfoundlanders are the only people so far showing signs of stress. With all grain supporting the war effort, beer shortages have paralyzed the province. More developments as they unfold.