Time travel is not, and may never be, possible. However, a committee at the prestigious Flagstaff Institute of Theoretical Physics has released a new report detailing just how stupidly dangerous travel to the past or future may be. The report is of special concern to our growing corps of chrononauts.

“If you go back in time,” stated Dr. Steven Hawkins at a press conference held in the Luau Room of the Particle Physics Research Institute and Brothel “you may affect causality in numerous ways; say by killing your parents before they screw you into existence, or rolling your ATV over the sherwlike creatures which gave rise to all modern-day mammals.”

However, Dr. Hawkins warns against an even greater threat. “The real danger isn’t from paradoxes. It’s from disease.”

The group warned that the past is rife with all manner of pestilence, disease, and infections including, but not limited to, every disease ever. The FITP committee hypothesizes that a time traveler venturing, for instance, to 25 AD to prevent the Crucifixion would perhaps succumb to amoebic dysentery within two days before he could prevent the salvation of mankind.

“It wouldn’t be a pretty death either,” stated Hawkins. “Even the 19th and early 20th Centuries aren’t safe. We advise not venturing back more than a couple of decades if time travel is ever invented. Which it won’t be, because it’s not possible.”

According to a high-level official at NACTA, the National American Chronambulatory Travel Administration, the report is of grave concern to the nation’s fourth largest department. Both the Armstrong Administration and NACTA refused to comment for this article.

So, while it may be interesting to see what Napoleon could have done with machine guns and a logistics planning computer, any chrononaut who heads to Austerlitz with a crate Kalashnikovs and a planeload of MREs is going to be too distracted by small pox, diphtheria or cholera to enjoy the battle. Furthermore, photographs of Napoleon with a mustache could be taken, which would demoralize modern-day Corsicans.

The future may be safe, though people in the future will probably imprison and quarantine you before you even have time to look up your great, great grandchildren in some sort of futuristic phone book. You’d actually be quite easy for a group of futuristic, leopard-human hybrids to capture and we imagine they will take many photographs of you with their prosthetic audio-visual communication hands.

“If you have to go back, say to prevent Buddhism or something,” Hawkins concludes “it would be best to wear a containment suit that you burn as soon as you return to the present. Of course, you won’t ever do that, because time travel isn’t possible.”

The Hague, EU – Delegates all agreed that Jupiter sure is large, Earth is chock-full of living organisms, and Venus is bright, but once again Saturn, the ringed wonder between Jupiter and Uranus, took home top honors in the sixth annual “World’s Greatest Planet” competition. Top runners up included crowd-favorite Mercury and dark-horse Twopiter, but neither were able to beat out Saturn’s 308 total votes. OGLE235-MOA53 and HD 114762 did not receive any votes whatsoever, though WASP 2 did win an honorable mention for “Most Interesting Name, Extrasolar Category.”

Convention delegates are chosen from the astronomy community, the astrology community and through a lottery sponsored by Go Icecream! Magazine. Each delegate receives three votes which are color coordinated (blue, yellow, pink) and may be cast in any one of the ten categories. The initial categories are chosen by the host committee and include Best Color, Best Moons, Most Interesting Chemical Composition, and Smelliest Atmosphere.

Each of the 430 delegates casts their color votes (for a total of 1290 votes). The three categories with the most yellow cards are then chosen for the second round.

Delegates are divided into teams of ten members each, and each team chooses a candidate for each of the three second round categories. After lunch and coffee, the teams break up and the second round of voting begins when the host committee members distribute a one euro coin to each delegate.

The delegates place their coins in copper pots representing each of the ten candidates in each of the three categories. Only one vote may be cast in any category of the delegate’s choosing. Once the coins are placed, the pots are weighed by the tallest member of the host committee.

If there is a tie the process is repeated again, though in this optional third round each team chooses a mouse from a clear plastic hopper. The mice then run through any of the pre-chosen mazes provided by the host committee. The first three mice to make it through the mazes determine the final, tie-breaking voting teams, who reorganize according to the proportions of specialists and laymen at the competition and vote using black and white beans placed in a simple leather sack.

Fortunately, no tie happened this year.

In the competition’s only upset, Gravitational Microlensing beat out the Transit Method for “Best Detection Method.” Media reports of Transit Method spokes-model Dr. Ira Shore’s poor sportsmanship and bad manners during the announcement were not exaggerated, as the dethroned detection king ripped off his sash and stalked out of the Paard van Troje Concert Hall, knocking over the open bar in the lobby.

The other results this year were astounding as well. For the fifth time in a row Saturn took home the famed silver goblet for “World’s Best Planet,” while Earth and Mars tied for “Best Volcano,” and Neptune took home the title of “Best Gas Giant.”

Monrovia, MV – Researchers at Magic Muffin’s Research Campus have been working diligently in the service of muffin sortation. For the past year, Dr. Edward Jacobs and his team spent the majority of their time working to train various creatures in muffin separation in an effort to make the manufacturing and shipping processes more efficient. Surprisingly, they have found very little success with snakes.

“Snakes have been used for some time in microchip manufacturing,” says Jacobs, “but their sortational aptitude there does not seem to translate to muffins or virtually any other consumer package good.”

During the course of our interview with Dr. Jacobs, we passed through the test subject living quarters where we saw many dogs, old world monkeys, several ungulates and, surprisingly, a sloth.

“The sloth is actually fairly good with blueberry and poppy seed,” said Dr. Kelly Jacobs, Edward Jacobs’ daughter and assistant. She later told us that the sloth was “just a bit slow,” but she did not want to hurt his feelings by saying so in front of him.

Dr. Jacobs’ (the elder) prize animal is a schnauzer named Murray, who has received high grades in all the major muffin sorting axes including chocolate, chocolate chip, double-fudge chocolate, and bran. Dr. Jacobs (the younger) also sees promise in Hoody, a four year old Thompson’s gazelle who has proven quite skillful in some preliminary cupcake tests.

“Dad gave me some research time on my own and I wanted to see if maybe Hoody didn’t have some abilities outside of the corn muffin-oat muffin continuum,” explains Jacobs.

She points out that the major differences between cupcakes and muffins are frosting and size. Larger cupcakes are often mistaken for muffins, so the research team often includes a few in the muffin testing.

Javier McClintock, Vice President of Human and Animal Resources, says that once the results of the testing are reported in February, Magic Muffin will make a determination about which animals to put on the factory floor. Should the report be favorable, a test program will begin in their extra-national production facility located in international waters to avoid legal entanglements and taxation.

“After that,” says McClintock, “we plan to roll out schnauzer and gazelle sortation teams in
all of our muffin production facilities by quarter 3 of 2007.”