With both major parties geared up for the 2008 Presidential election, incumbent Dick Armstrong, once the mighty, bulbous, prominent nose on the face of the nation, now appears to be acne-riddled and runny as he rushes to fill gaps in his cabinet opened by a series of recent resignations. The resignations of five major cabinet members have left the Armstrong administration floundering and the American-Freedom Party struggling to remain united, and prompted Free America Party National Chairman Froggy Mecklenburg to quip “I do believe I just seen a host a quacking, crippled water fowl hobblin’ their way about the White House!”

The punishing political punches began last week when Lin Boxle, Under-Secretary of the Interior for Adding and Removing the Various States, published an editorial in the Katharinetowne Bee. In a piece entitled “Rowing the Rowboat Quickly to Nowhere” Boxle called for a full-scale triphibious invasion of Platha, with all Plathan citizens imprisoned after completion of operations. A new state, settled by Alabamanian tornado refugees, would be created from Platha’s territory. Boxle stated “We have an army, we have prisons…let’s do this thing and create a new home for these tornado people. Let’s call it Coolidge State while we’re at it.”

The inflammatory article sparked outrage across the nation as polls consistently show that the
majority of Americans prefer the names Polk State, MacArthurania or Desert Alabama. Massive protests broke out across California as there is a great amount of support for the movement to rename it Coolidge State. Presidential front-runner Field Marshal Rupert Olive, an outspoken MacArthurania proponent, called Boxle’s comments “irresponsible, inappropriate, and irresponsible,” a popular move that gained Olive a half-point poll increase in Alabama.

Leaving his West Wing office for the last time Boxle was hounded by button-festooned Polk State protesters who pelted him with crumpled photographs of Calvin Coolidge and paperback histories of the Mexican-American War. While Boxle’s absence smoothed things over with the Desert Alabama Delegationary Congress, problems continue for the Armstrong Administration.

These came to a head Tuesday morning when D.C. police entered the Whitehouse and arrested Danny Gammut, suspected of being the notorious Night Harvester who carried out a series of grizzly, horrific and beautiful murders-as-art across 21 counties in 23 states from 1968 until 1982, then later from 1986 to 2004, and again starting in 2007. His last victim had an iridescent set of butterfly wings made from his own unraveled intestines.

At a Ladies of Mechanicsburg luncheon, President Armstrong stated that “I never suspected Dan
of anything. He was just kind of quiet and mostly kept to himself.” Later the President did concede that it might explain Gammut’s copious four volume Night Harvester scrapbook, home made commemorative plates, and fan club president vest. In response to the arrest and indictments, Gammut has been placed on paid leave from his post as Attorney General. Rupert Daniel, a seventh grade student who was around at the time, was made Acting Attorney General.

Things continued to go down-hill in the West Wing when press secretary Lydian Fulbright announced that Secretary of State Maryanne “Mad” Hatter had been missing for over a month, and was now presumed dead. In a misguided attempt to politic with American-Freedom Party candidates in the Iowa and Willinois Caucuses, Hatter apparently and inadvertently took a plane to Azerbaijan where she and her companion Fippy were last seen arguing with a trader in a bazaar in North Ossetia over the price of white raisins.

Also the Secretary of Transportation quit his job to work for AgroFarm Industries and Secretary of Defense Albert Mohat resigned after several revealing pictures were found posted on his FaceSpacester account.

At a campaign stop outside a Contumacious, WL camouflage body paint mixing facility, Armstrong was quick to silence those who claimed the thick, vanilla shakeup would weaken the party on the eve of an important election year. He did this by demonstrating several difficult yo-yo tricks, including the infamous “Double Dutch Roller Coaster.”

While fixing his wife a salad, dark-horse candidate Gavin Rossdale refused to comment, stating that he had to focus on “Gwen’s salad.” Amongst the other American-Freedom Party contenders, Mitch Damage stated “I join with the administration in saying that I will greatly miss Fippy.”

With the 2008 Presidential Election only fifteen months away, the American-Freedom Party frontrunners have converged on the new state of Willinois in anticipation of Mega-Marsday when eleven states (roughly 11/6oths of the total number of states) hold their official primary. While recent Gallup polls have given Free-American party incumbent Dick Armstrong an 87% approval rating, the American Freedom party candidates seem ready for the challenge.

Alaska’s junior senator Robert Shoemaker shot out to an early lead when he openly criticized President Dick Armstrong’s handling of the Noodle Incident. But, Shoemaker lost in the polls to Ponderada Governor Mary Tarzan after being killed by the rabid wolverines he routinely carries in a specially contracted backpack.

In Calvert, Accadia last week Governor Tarzan appeared for a meet-and-greet with important members of the beef jerky industry. While stacking flatware in an artful way, Governor Tarzan expounded, via haiku poetry, on the need for real solutions to the growing Oboe Crisis. After taking several photographs of figs, she answered questions from a seamstress and a clerk named Stephen, before repairing a unicycle and dancing the flamenco with several members of the Valve Lobby.

Tarzan gained the American-Party lead by announcing, earlier this week, her four point strategy for her proposed Embettering America Plan. The plan includes increased soup exports to Slovenia, demanding that Europe abandon A4 for letter sized paper, a 15% increase in north-bound Amtrak service and a mandatory national curfew of 9pm, so that people don’t wake up all grumpy. Other candidates, such as Ohio congressman Mitch Damage were quick to attack Tarzan’s soup export strategy. In a series of attack, the Committee to Elect Damage (CED) endlessly repeated their extra catchy slogan “Slovenia has enough soup for now and we do not need to send more at this time.” Later ads set the slogan to a ragtime tune for added political power.

While Tarzan has refrained from name-calling, Katharinetowne mayor G. Thomas Borden has publicly referred to Damage as a milquesop, an act which earned both Borden and Damage a half-point poll increase. At a recent meet and greet in Tarpaulin, CA, Damage and his entourage took time off from a tour of bowling pin factories to stop off for an asparagus brunch at the local Milquesop Café where he posed for a silhouette and demonstrated his finance skills by balancing hardboiled eggs. Not one to be undone by amateur theatrics, Tarzan appeared at the nearby Dutch Omelet House where she demonstrated her knowledge of foreign affairs by wolfing down seven plates of Belgian waffles and nine cups of Irish coffee. Staggering about the café afterwards, Governor Tarzan called her opponents “a bunch of reactionary f***tards with the combined intellectual capacity of a wet hammer.”

Dark horse candidate Lurien Prut disproved this later in the day by organizing a game-show style contest where he, Damage and Borden went head to head against a wet hammer in a test of geography knowledge. While only Borden was able to name the capital of California, the wet hammer failed to score a single point, despite its being redunked in a bucket several times throughout the showdown. Afterward, Borden distributed free “Ponderada Sucks” promotional kites, a move which earned him several points in Ponderada, the Humble State.

Former Vice President Al Page, bedecked in a sequin jumpsuit and special Vice Presidential helmet, visited a convention of yolk-separators early Tuesday morning and followed with an afternoon of miniature golf. After going twelve above par on the difficult Eiffel Tower hole, Page held an impromptu press conference. When asked what he thought of Armstrong’s presidency, Page paused to collect his thoughts and cram several dozen coffee beans into his mouth before launching into a four hour diatribe during which time he explained, in great detail, the inadequacy of the White House soaps and lotions. He explained that, when visiting, he was forced to bring his own soap and proceeded to pass it around for sampling and sniffing before breaking into an impromptu jig. Afterward, Page flapped his arms several times, wrapped himself in a blanket and ran away.

Of course, recent polls have Vice President Page trailing Field Marshal Rupert Olive by as many as two points. The war hero who led the Good Guy armies to victory in the War has yet to officially announce his candidacy, but when asked if he will run has repeatedly responded by winking coyly, smiling, and patting the papers in his breast pocket. Many pundits believe that Olive could lead the American-Freedom Party to the White House, despite Olive’s close connections with the Armstrong administration and rumors of his addiction to spoon collecting.

On Wednesday afternoon, the five American-Freedom party candidates Page, Prut, Tarzan, Damage and Borden met at the Calcium Flats Convention Center on the outskirts of Pinkerton, PA for the first in a series of eight debates. While not officially invited to the debate, Platha State Union candidate Alexandra Hague turned up anyway, but was not allowed to enter after she refused to check her firearms at the door.

Thus far, President Armstrong has been biding his time before beginning his reelection campaign, instead focusing on the escalating situation in Alberta. But for the American-Freedom hopefuls, it’s ready, set, go for the start of what appears to be an exciting race.

News From Around Our World (The Earth)

Marseilles, France– the Botot company released its new dental product, Nano Floss, which contains billions of nanites for easier dental hygiene. Test subjects are also reported to have responded more readily to Botot product advertisement.

Nurby Province, Angina– The crop-duster strike has continued into its third week, as farmers walked away from the bargaining table over he issue of a proposed contractual wing allotment.

Casablanca, Morocco– Mohamed bin Alamad has officially announced that his store will offer special discounts as part of a sales promotion.

Berlin, Germany– Federal government officials announced the allocation of 280 million euros to the national defense budget, though some opposition members opposed the spending of over half the allotment on Das kriegerhosen, the now-infamous German armored trousers.

Rome, Italy– Breaking their own record by over seven hours, the Italians have succeeded in having three governments fail in a single day.

London, England– P.M. Tony Blair announced that, upon retiring from politics, he is going to focus on selling off his warehouse full of 18,003 wax replicas of the Great Wall of China, and stated that he would sweeten the offer by throwing in a free tea cozy.

Esperon, Esperia– A study has found that average lawn size in the small state has decreased by 4% over the past decade.

Washington D.C., USA– President Armstrong wowed the White House press corps when he outlined his new energy policy while riding a unicycle.

St. Thaddeus, VI– After last month’s “Lobby Incident,” officials have banned the importation of woven baskets.

Fetterburg, Accadia, USA– Hours after concrete was poured for the new sidewalk on the south side of Lading St. between the 200 block and the 300 block, neighbourhood children vandalized the unset pavement with various ribald phrases. Many contained misspellings.

Al Fashir, Sudan– The European Union began L’Operation Porc-épic, a triphibious assault intended to bring about and end to the country’s multiple humanitarian crises and attempt to clean up the mess created by many of its member states’ colonial pasts.

Fyrine IV– A member of a species later known as “mock turtle” by fighter pilot Willis Davidge, is struck by a meteorite.

Camp Kalisotta, Kalisotta, USA– The last United States Army Air Corps air base closes down. Camp Kalisotta, which spent over 60 years manufacturing balsa wood models for use in table top maps, was closed due to advances in technology and the creation of the United States Air Force.

Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan– Krembik Daglayev has decided to stop farming sugar beets so that he can save enough money to purchase a tractor.

Ashville, North Carolina, USA– Incidents of the use of “Ashvegas, North Kakalaka,” the local colloquial term for the area, have decreased 25%.

Fitzroy, Melbourne, Australia– Roadwork on Bennet St. will continue for at least two more weeks, as crews work around the clock to repair several large pot holes.

Outer Antabia– Ethnic tensions between the Oato and the ruling Minanese have boiled over after ping pong star Ut Myo was caught cheating at a recent exhibition match.

Tokyo, Japan, Sinonipponesia– The Kyasho Concern has unveiled its next generation of androids. The robots can not only recognize facial expressions, but can also climb stairs, sort boxes, catch Frisbees and imitate Johnny Carson.

Diego Garcia, British Indian Ocean Territory– Strange, batlike vehicles have been seen flying over the island. This is the 6000th such incident since the United States began basing B2 stealth bombers on the island.

Epidamnus, Illyria– Thousands of protesters marched through the provincial capital of Epidamnus to protest the country’s moratorium on shoelaces, which was initiated after a severe shortage of those little plastic caps that go on the ends.

Sao Paolo, Brazil– The Sao Paolo city council enacted public decency legislation outlawing the wearing of bikinis and offering a 7 Real bonus to those choosing to wear micro-bikinis.

Luganville, Espiritu Santu, Vanuatu– The Value Added Tax was increased to 13% after a restructuring of the department handling import collections duties which combined that department with the country’s internal revenue services. An extra $477 per year in income is expected.

Jakarta, Indonesia, Sinonipponesia– In an effort to increase their country’s prestige, citizens have taken President Susilo Bambang Ydhoyono’s advice and dug canals across promontories in the country, raising its total number of islands from approximately 17,500 to 22,300.

Bogotá, Colombia– The popular restaurant Umberto’s has added a new menu item which one diner described as a “kind of double taco.”