News of the World: November 2005

The War At Sea!

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As our hovercraft slid through the night, I could make out shadows grouped on the horizon. I took another bite of my tomato and let the juice dribble down my chin. It was a little over ripe, making loud squishing noises.

“The blockade fleet,” Seaman Mylar pointed out as he, too, munched unenthusiastically on a tomato. “They’re on constant patrol all through here.” One of the hovercraft crew, Mylar was a fit young man with the bronzed skin and muscular build characteristic of his Maori heritage. Though he told me he had joined up six months ago, just after his eighteenth birthday, I’d have never guessed it; already he spoke with the calm certainty and bore the tomato-stained battle blouse of a veteran. To a man, despite their ages or ranks, the Hovermen showed an emotionless acceptance; other fruits and vegetables had long been left behind. For an army man it’s the Thousand Yard Stare. For these navy files it’s the Twenty Mile Squint.
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The March of Progress: November 2005

Traveler I Set for Launch

Space Flats, Florida: Scientists, many of them loosely affiliated with NASA (National Aerospace Science Association) have announced the launching of a new interstellar space probe which will follow in the footsteps of Pioneers Ten, Eleven and Voyager. Dr. Aves Dimnation, Baron Administrator of NASA declared in a press conference early Tuesday morning that Traveler I will “utilize new advances in stellar propulsion to catch up with Voyager and Pioneer. Hopefully Traveler I will arrive at some unknown alien civilization roughly two or three weeks after the first probes. It will be a hopeful moment for humanity.” Scientists are hopeful that the new information contained in Traveler I’s specialized platinum plates will correct some of the erroneous record playing instructions contained on the Voyager Interstellar Record. NASA, as you may recall, was heavily involved in the space race of the 1950s and 1960s.

Voyager Plate

Changing Direction: The new plate aboard the Traveler I will help aliens better understand how to listen to interstellar recordings, which now feature a hot new dance remix of the Whale Song track.

The March of Progress: October 2005

A Field of Inestimable Certitude
by Dick R. Gordonson

Dick R. Gordonson
Dick R. Gordonson is the Unified Nations Special Envoy on Old Studies and Residual Neologism Removal. He received his Associates Degree from the Monstylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts, his Bachelors Degree from the Greater Platha Non-Correspondence University (satellite campus), a Masters Degree in Social Studies from Columbia University, his first PhD in Foliage from MCATDA and his second PhD in Rocks from Kalisotta Communal University and Ranch. He is also possessed of a law degree from The Law School™ and is in residency at Downtown Berlin Connecticut Hospital in downtown Berlin, Connecticut.

Modern archaeological methods have taken a long road trip ahead in the century passed. From primitive, quite barbaric methods of discovery and acquisition which barely touched upon learning about our predecessors, archeologists have grown into a group of scientists. No longer the brigands of the past, these Footsoldiers of History have taken upon their shoulders a great burden and turned their backs on the ArchaeoHordes of the early to mid-Twentieth Century. Continue reading

News of the World: October 2005

HAIL TO THE CHIEF!

Crowds Erupt in Cheers as
ARMSTRONG
Takes the Reins of State

Armstrong Inauguration
Dawn of a New Age: 49th President of the United States Dick Armstrong returns triumphantly to Washington D.C. after his inauguration. Happy days to follow.

The following is a report made earlier this year on President Armstrong’s inauguration, but, for some reason, we never published it.

NEWTOWN, PA: Though a light hellosh flittered to the ground it was not enough to stop a small crowd of well-wishers, supporters, fans and military personnel from coming out to watch as Richard Tojo Armstrong stepped up on the hastily constructed platform in the center of a farmer’s alfalfa field to be sworn in as the 49th President of the United States. Continue reading