August 20, 2003 @ 5:07 pm
Poetry by the Great H.G. Peterson
A GUIDE TO MONKEYS
by H.G. Peterson
H. G. Peterson is a leading member of the Masters of the Illuminati,
the secret organization which governs the affairs of international
diplomacy, war, and world-wide commercial markets. He is also an
avid croquet player and enjoys listening to gramophone recordings.
H.G. Peterson’s Guide to Monkeys
(For Her Majesty Queen Victoria)
Monkeys are funny and covered with fuzz
Wear a red shiny fezz, each monkey does
If you mess with a monkey, they look sternly and say
“Monkey no like you, now you go away”
With fury and rage and anger misplaced
The monkeys dance ’round, then hop on your face
Then one monkey jumps up, his teeth give a shine
And he takes a big bite out of your spleen and your spine
Then they all hop aboard, they pound on their chests
Hammers they pull, from their red monkey vests
They rip the flesh from your bones with a murderous haste
Hammers pounding your body into thick muddy paste
Monkey looks down at you, and the monkey he say
“Fuck you, you giant prick!”
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@ 7:50 pm
Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
handsome fellow.
Dear Montezuma,
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France
My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.
Dear Montezuma,
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
Yours truly,
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.
Mr. President,
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.
Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.
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@ 8:27 pm
Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.
FOR SALE
Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620
FOR RENT
Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen
SEEKING
Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.
Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.
WANTED
Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343
FOR SALE
One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.
ROBOT ANDROIDS
Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.
FOR SALE
Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.
Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.
POSITIONS AVAIABLE
Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.
FREE GIVEAWAY!!!
Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.
FOR SALE
Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.
WANTED
Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.
POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.
WANTED
One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.
FOR SALE
Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.
JOB OPENING
Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.
Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.
FOR SALE
A dog. 654-0098
NOT FOR SALE
The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.
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September 20, 2003 @ 10:16 pm
OUR CONTINUING EXPLORATION OF THE PROGRESS OF ANGLO-AMERICAN MANUFACTURING AND PRODUCTION: PART VII: HOW BOWLING BALLS ARE CONSTRUCTED.
by Lydia Ratwelder
Staff Writer and Duocycle Enthusiast, Winner of the 1986 Yitchy Prize for Floral Arrangement Destruction
Bowling Balls are an amazing new industrial product, first discovered in 1887 by Swedish scientist Yaltosa Ban Botta. Today the Russian province of Kamchatka remains one of the world’s foremost bowling ball producing areas.
Within the carbonicthixotropic core lie many small elementules, which are small, complex chains of proteins wrapped in polymer sheathes.
These elementules migrate to the holocore. At the holocore they are picked up by bowler�’s fingers and scattered. Those elementules which are able to land near large sources of carbon (dead animals, coal mines, pencil cases) are able to reproduce. After exchanging protein segments, the elementules grow, absorbing carbon and other trace elements from their environment, which they metabolize.
Eventually, the polymer sheathe is shed and the bowling balls enter their haploid state. The haploid mesomorphs are known as Endotrophins.
Endotrophins move freely, using their extropherous probes to absorb carbon and plastic from the subterranean tunnels and warrens. The carbon is metabolized and stored in the gastroceleph. When the gastroceleph is full, it drops off and becomes a new bowling ball.
The balls are gathered by local herdsmen and sold at market to traveling mongers who export them for use in Milwaukee and other bowling-heavy areas of North America.
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@ 10:28 pm
AN ESSAY ON FOREIGN LANDS
by H.G. Peterson
H.G. Peterson is a leading expert on
International Maritime Law
and on Bridge Playing Tactics.
The ocean is water, the beach is of sand
I want to go to Panda Land
Pandas can see and Pandas can do
In Panda land you can find Panda poo
If Pandas were bishops, then they would wear mitres
If they were pilots then they’d fly stealth fighters
Pandas are black, and Pandas are white
But a shaved naked Panda’s a horrible sight
Pandas are dextrous and work their turn tables
But they can’t ride horses and thus have no stables
Pandas get colds and pandas get goitres
But their legs are to short to allow them to loiter
Pandas love fun and pandas love sport
And they pass down judgments in the Panda Land Court
Pandas look good in black and white photographs
But really fat pandas throw off seismographs
Pandas make waffles and bamboo fricassee
They gorge themselves stupid all night and day
An M-1 tank would crush Pandas to paste
So when one is coming they don helmets with haste
When Pandas are injured they go in for surgery
When they lie on the stand they are guilty of perjury
I met a Panda once, while visiting Toronto
He said he was James, but his friends called him Tonto
Pandas eat mussels, clams and kielbasa
And their cocaine binges leave a tabula rasa
Pandas in ones and Pandas in twos
Panda Land has problems with drinking and booze
Pandas and big boats and these boats have decks
Where upon Pandas have S& M sex
Pandas get drunk and then they smoke reefer
And they’re favourite actor is Sutherland, Kiefer
The panda house has a basement and attic
But their universe theories are still somewhat static
Pandas have rifles and Pandas have bombs
The Panda Land Army enjoys Proverbs and Psalms
Some Pandas are Christian Scientists and not Presbyterians
These Pandas forbid going to see veterinarians
Panda Land has buildings and even a quay
But few Panda males are openly gay
Panda Land has a language similar to Chinese
Pandas take to hang gliding with the greatest of ease
There are Pandas called Lisa and some who are Michaels
But the ones named Muldoony ride blue unicycles
Pandas are smart and Pandas are bright
But the fires of hatred burn into the night
Pandas like blue and Pandas like orange
But Pandas have not mastered the secret of door hinge
Pandas built statues of bamboo and bronze
They display them proudly in front, on their lawns
Panda land is round and surrounded by snakes
But inside its borders are myriad lakes
When Pandas are insulted, they’re quick to retort
Especially when insults occur near resorts
Panda land stores have quite a selection
Especially tools for skilled vivisection
You’ll never see a Panda on the flying trapeze
But there are lots of Panda Pirates sailing the seas
Pandas are hip to all that new jive
But Vir is their favourite on Babylon 5
Pandas have not yet discovered Quaoar
But Panda Land science has still gone quite far
Pandas have missiles, machetes and limes
But only because it is near the End Times
Pandas like cunnilingus and they like fellatio
Panda Land temples reflect the golden ratio
Pandas keep mice and worms in their homes
And each live in small little plastercast domes
Pandas study the work of Buckminster Fuller
Tug-o-war is won by the best Panda puller
Panda Land is rich with artwork and fountains
But none of their sages sit atop the tall mountains
Of all of the spices, Pandas most love their garlic
With their tongues and a Chevy they play a game they call “Car-lick”
Pandas like relaxation and do enjoy loafin’
And treating their headaches with fresh ibuprofen
Panda Land castles have grotesque gargoyles
And Panda Land lepers are covered in boils
Panda land robots are known to be shiny
The ones they call nanites are essentially tiny
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