August 20, 2003 @ 7:11 pm
Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty
The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.
THE PANTS OF GOD
Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.
The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.
Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.
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@ 8:05 pm
by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen
Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”
The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.
And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?
We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.
By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.
And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.
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September 20, 2003 @ 10:59 pm
This essay contains information on buckets. It does not contain information on non-bucket items.
An Essay on Buckets
by Company’s Sergeant Major (CSM)
Nigel Rivvens Surrey Stonehouse.
(4th Battalion, Durham Light Infantry)
Buckets are hollow containers distinguished from bins by their cylindrical shape. Bins, generally, are square or cubical. Pots, while cylindrical, have a side-mounted singular projecting prop handle while a bucket is usually noted by its double mounted 180 arc wire frame handle. Buckets may be constructed from any number of materials including, but not limited to, wood, plastic, metal or porcelain. They may or may not have a pouring lip perforation in the rim, located perpendicular to the handle mountings.
There may be containers, similar in design to what we have above described as buckets, but with surfaces punctuated by varied perforations. These are not buckets, but rather are strainers, for the primary function of a bucket is to contain water or another liquid. Thus may a bucket aid in the transport of liquids. Due to the non-solid surface, a strainer would be ineffective in holding or transporting fluids as the fluid would have a tendency to drain fromthe holes and fall toward the ground. A bucket, with its constant surface, avoids this problem.
Buckets are used by all manner of gentlemen, for instance, those who work for the Fire Department. Their vocational duties are so entwined with buckets that these firefellows are sometimes called a “Bucket Brigade.” Nomads of Arabia use wooden buckets to draw up life-giving water from isolated desert oases. Custodians of many buildings and structures the world over use buckets to hold their frothy, soap-strewn waters. Buckets are cool.
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@ 11:26 pm
From a Teddy-Styled Bear.
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October 25, 2003 @ 9:13 am
From the Desk of Publisher Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge
Utterances of an Opinionated Nature from the Publisher of Axes & Alleys
Sir Lionell Buxton Humbridge
Dave Nancyboie
Republicrat Party Candidate
Hector McGinty
Blue Party Candidate
McGinty Poor Choice for West Dakotans
Today this pre-processed external memory module must protest the vile candidacy of one Hector McGinty. Mr. McGinty, if he can be named as such, is running for the West Dakota Congressional District 589 seat in Congress. We find his platform of honesty, integrity and gravy to be reprehensible. Specifically, the gravy portions of his campaign.
That gravy could be cheaply and speedily distributed to peoples of all classes in a timely fashion at minimal cost is absurd and insulting. Does Mr. McGinty, a filthy semblance of a man of Ecuadorean descent, truly believe that such class-baiting vitriol on the subject of gravy is truly a cohesive campaign platform which will bring his constituents together? We think not.
Mr. McGinty’s gravy policies will only hurt West Dakota, the Nation and greater portions of Outer Mongolia. This publication says “no” to Hector McGinty*. We must instead officially back Republicrat Candidate Dave Nansyboie, a great West Dakotan who believes in everything for which this publication stands.
*This publication will, however, take Mr. McGinty’s money in exchange for ad placement.
Mr. Conan Doyle
Shamelessly and openly named Arthur.
Children Named Arthur a Nuisance
While we agree that most children are nuisances, we at Axes & Alleys have come to the conclusion, through logic and careful use of intellect, that children named Arthur are a supreme nuisance in society today. Forthwith, we call for the extermination of all current entities under the age of 15 who have been de-ennobled by their parents with the horrible moniker of Arthur.
Furthermore, we implore the State House Grepublindecrat leadership to pass S.H.B. 1327, banning the affixation of the name Arthur to all birth certificates, driver’s licenses, credit cards, social security identifications, student visas, passports and other official or official looking certificates.
Failure to follow through with our plan will quite likely result in the death of society as a whole and the diminution of our great State. Soon we may be only a society of Arthurs, blandly tossed about by a cold wind of indifference.
Never!
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